I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Struggling to get up out of bed, to be productive, to make content and have fun here on my blog like the good old days. And I think I’ve realized what the biggest factor has been. For so long, deep down I’ve kept a hold of all of my fears and insecurities from my last long term relationship which, if you are new or don’t remember, didn’t end very well for me and caused me to spiral into a pretty dark hole for a while.
It’s held me back from doing so much, from trusting, from believing, and from being free and happier in general. Because let’s face it. How can you really relax and be happy if there’s a voice in your head that keeps telling you that you’re not worth it, or that the person you love is going to grow tired of you and leave you? How can it be easy to not be paranoid that every small thing that they say or do that seems like they are upset or annoyed with you won’t escalate into them leaving? It’s hard. And awful. And terrifying. And most of all?
So this week. Week 2 of 2018. I am going to try from this week forward to truly, 100% let go of all of those fears and insecurities that the past has given me to hold. That I’ve trudged around with on my shoulders, pushing me mentally and emotionally deeper and deeper into the dirt.
It’s time to lay them to rest for good, and to walk away without them. And for good measure, let’s use this as an opportunity to make a list and visualize all of those awful things that keep weighing us down. Feel free to share in the comments below if you’d like.
- fear of my unborn business failing
- fear that Zach will tire of my insecurities and needs, and walk away
- fear that my anxiety and depression will push Zach away
- voices saying that I’ll never be good enough to be successful in anything in life
These are the main things that I’ve come to realize make every day difficult for me. These things make my anxiety and depression even worse, and it becomes a vicious, awful, dark cycle.
Now. These things are all listed. They’re on the internet. Everyone knows about them. I know about them. I’ve allowed the light to shine on them, to bring them out of the dark hiding places in which I’ve put them in an attempt to ignore them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Realization is the first step for me. The next step is to understand why I fear these things, and what things trigger those awful voices to become loud and obnoxious.
2018 is going to be a year of change for me. A year of healing. New beginnings. I hope you’ll join me on this quest to fight my inner demons. Please know that if ever you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen, I’m here. I always will be. You can comment below or send me a message through my Contact Page. You’re not alone. And neither am I.